Last night I was told that walking is just a continuous state of falling and catching yourself. I’m not sure if this is true, but I’m running with it. I have been thinking about falling lately, because I have been thinking about two things in particular: failure and external judgement. These two quiet fears have been playing on my mind because my book is out on Tuesday. Concepts and words that have swirled around in my head for three years will now be in people’s hands, exposed and ready for judgement. They will be liked or loved or hated and I have no control over the outcome. A lack of control combined with these two fears has metastasized into some uncomfortable state of paralysis, which I am now writing about with the hope of regaining function. I don’t write this for sympathy, but with a hope the reflection is useful. Because no matter who you are or what you do, fear of failure and judgement from others come part and parcel with the human condition. Unless you’re enlightened or a complete psychopath.
The common statement used to remove these two fears is usually, ‘don’t focus on what you can’t control’. I know this to be true and right and good but I struggle with the execution. It’s like telling yourself not to look at something. The more you focus on not doing it, the more you want to do it, the more you indirectly focus on it - soon you’re back to where you started. Or maybe I need something stronger to cope. Like Denzel Washington. In a video, which appears to be an interview from the ‘90s, Washington is asked whether he pays attention to film reviews. He replies: “You’re always affected by opinion but the more opinions there are of you, of me, the less I look at them because I just can’t live my life based upon what other people think about me.” He continues: “I don’t think I could continue to do what I do if I was constantly worrying about what somebody thought about it.” As Nina Simone surmised, “You will use up everything you’ve got trying to give everybody what they want.” When you put your work and yourself out there, judgement is inevitable. You can’t position too much energy or attention there, otherwise you will lose yourself to the pursuit of appeasing it. Taking one thousand opinions, and reinventing yourself to serve every single one of them is a doomed lifestyle. All this is maybe just another iteration of ‘don’t focus on what you can’t control’. So the more brutal, beneficial mindset I’ve stumbled upon this week revolves around the cost of succeeding, which is the inevitability of failure along the way. This is also something Washington knows about.
“I don’t think I could continue to do what I do if I was constantly worrying about what somebody thought about it.”
The actor began his adult life as a pre-med student, before moving into pre-law and later journalism, but his grades only ever went in one direction: down. He later moved into acting and in his first audition at the Cort Theatre in New York, he failed spectacularly. He could barely sing and his acting was more intimate than theatrical, not a style conducive to stages. He told this story during a University of Pennsylvania Commencement Speech, where he said, “You will fail at some point in your life. Accept it. You will lose. You will embarrass yourself. You will suck at something. There is no doubt about it.” He gave this speech in 2011, one year after winning the Tony Award for his performance in a theatre show called Fences. It was performed in the same Cort Theatre where he’d failed spectacularly thirty years prior. And he only stood on the same stage - winning this time - because did not fall back after he failed. He fell forward. The difference between winning and losing, he said, is whether you keep going when failure hits. “I’ve never understood that concept, having something to fall back on,” he said. “If I’m going to fall, I don’t want to fall back on anything, except my faith. I want to fall forward. At least I figure that way I’ll see what I’m about to hit.” Champion baseballer Reggie Jackson struck out twenty-six-hundred times in his career - the most in the history of baseball - but Washington said you don't hear about those strikeouts. People remember the home runs. Thomas Edison conducted one thousand failed experiments, but no one knows this because the next experiment resulted in the light bulb. “I’ve found that nothing in life is worthwhile unless you take risks. Nothing. As Nelson Mandela said, ‘There is no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that’s less than the one you’re capable of living.’”
Washington’s speech reminded me a little of a line from Kanye West. It’s from Old Kanye, so I guess that’s still allowed. But if you’ve cancelled him entirely, including his previous work, I’ll forgive you for moving on to the rest of your inbox. West rapped, “For me giving up’s way harder than trying”. It is from the song ‘Champion’ on West’s album, ‘Graduation’ and I’ve always connected to it because I find I’m driven by guilt, which I’ve never found to be a wholly attractive (or sane) thing to say to people. But I’ve always known the guilt of not trying, of not having a go at something I feel compelled to do, will hurt me more than any level of failure associated with the attempt. And that awareness has usually been the thing pushing me to fall forward. So I guess I’ve found my answer. Fear of failure and external judgement is never going to go away. It is merely the reality, the cost, of attempting something worthwhile. It’s not about removing it, or thinking our way around it, but actually getting comfortable with it. As he spoke to the thousands of graduates that day, Washington said: “The point is, every graduate here today has the training and the talent to succeed. But do you have guts to fail?”
Some related (and unrelated) recommendations:
Here is some footage from Denzel Washington's speech, which you will love if you can cope with the lame inspirational music and visual compilation of his acting to date. And here is a transcript of his speech if you would like to read more.
Champion by Kanye West, of course. While we're on the topic, this Buzzfeed article on why we need to give Kanye grace right now is the best article of the week and essential reading for all. The internet and the media need a new language to talk about public figures who are living with mental illness.
The first episode of Michelle Obama’s new podcast is out. In the first ep, she interviews her husband, Barack, and I am extremely pleased about this.
If you haven’t watched Alexandria Ocasio Cortez’s speech, please do so immediately. Here is the full 9 minute version. I also enjoyed David Remnick’s analysis of it.
My very good friend, Jessica Vander Leahy, has a new podcast called The Affirmation Project and it is brilliant. One episode is released each week and is designed to be listened to every day of that week. My favourite so far is the 'cancel culture' episode. It will bring you five minutes of calm each day. Highly recommend.
Zadie Smith’s new collection of essays, Intimations, is out. Here is a Vulture review on the book, which makes the joyful case for inconsistency.
I enjoyed this review of Taylor Swift’s new album.
Finally, my book is available for pre-order here if you would like to buy a copy. Otherwise it will be available from Tuesday anywhere you buy books. So go support your local bookstore. They need you right now.
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